Goodnight Ladies

After I came home from math tonight - can I just please advise you to never take a 3 hour math class at night - my mom offered me some Indian food for dinner and I declined. She got upset saying how skinny I've been looking lately so just to get her off my back, I indulged in 1 egg white and 1 whole egg and scrambled them together, and had a piece of toast with it. So my dinner was basically like 200 calories, maybe a little more. 

All I want is to be skinny, beautiful, successful... I mean this is what everyone wants, but it's what I literally need to be happy. It kills me to know that I won't be fully happy until I reach my goal, and how much pain and self control it will take to get there. 

Deep dark secret #1: I have TERRIBLE trust issues. I always go through my boyfriend's browsing history on his computer because he promised me he wouldn't watch porn anymore, so I like to make sure he'snot, and I always see him looking at other girls on facebook, that are like totally skinny and tan and gorgeous, and it kills me inside. I know that as soon as I reach my goal, I will have so much more confidence and won't give a fuck. 

I would really like for once to just know I am perfect and not give a fuck about anyone else, because everyone wants to be me. 

Sorry for the depressing post. I just had to get some shit off my chest. 

Love you all.

xx

Oh and one more thing, 

every picture I put on my blog was taken by yours truly ;)

Kill Meh

Okay, I really fucked up big time.
Went out to lunch and looked at the menu. Stomach was growling. Everything smelled great. Mouth watering. And I ordered a fucking panini. I don't even know how many calories it was! I'm a pescetarian (I don't eat any meat besides fish), so I ordered the "Pear Naked" which is pear, fontina cheese, and caramelized onions in a panini. I didn't finish the whole thing, but I'm guessing since it was so utterly delicious, it was calorie packed. I'm going to go ahead and say 550 calories. It may have been less, but I'm still not eating for the rest of the day. Except maybe a pomegranate for dinner.
Kill
Meh
.

Currently, December 13th

Adoring: The warm heat radiating out of the vent next to me.


Craving: SEX...


Enjoying: My morning black coffee - per usual


Feeling: Like today will be much better than last


Hearing: The Black Swan soundtrack - Clint Mansell


Hoping: My grades will all be good at the end of this semester


Missing: My dad, sister, and cat, Templeton, who I barely ever see anymore because I live with my mom (my parents are newly divorced)


Reading: The Boston Globe


Seeing: My fat stomach...

Wearing: This flannel from Urban Outfitters, really warm Patagonia leggings, turquoise Hunter rain boots. It's a chilly day, man.

Wishing: I didn't skip my two classes this morning


Wondering: If I'll have the strength to stay under 500 calories today

The good, The bad, and The fat

     So, I had a mini binge last night. I'm not going to beat myself up for it too much because i'm pretty sure (hoping) I still ate under 1,000 calories for the day. But today I'm going to try my best to keep it under 500. I ate 2 egg whites for breakfast to get that metabolism going (17 calories each), and I'm going out to lunch with my mom in a couple hours. I'm just going to order a salad, because this little cafe has amazing salads, and I always feel so healthy after eating there.
     I weighed myself this morning and was like 114 or 113 - couldn't really tell. I hate scales that aren't digital and you can never tell which little line you're on, but it was under 115 so I was quite happy with that. I actually don't even have a scale at home, but I always check my weight when I'm at my boyfriend's house. My mom knows I used to have an ED but she thinks I'm totally recovered now (which I was for like a year), so she refuses to get a scale because she knows how weight conscious I am. It makes me so mad when she gives me shit about me losing weight though when she doesn't even weigh 100 lbs - given she's only 5 feet, but still... she's a personal trainer, and all she does is exercise.
     I can't wait for this semester to be OVER. One more week, and I don't have to do shit until late January, besides working and stuff. I just started my new job a week ago, and I'm hostessing and waitressing at a really nice restaurant in my city. My manager who is like 30-something and gorgeous is always hitting on me. I pretend to get annoyed by it but I really like it. But at the same time it still really bugs me because he knows I have a boyfriend, and his girlfriend (who looks like Chewbacca) literally works there. But like I said, flirting with an attractive older guy makes work go by really fast, not that I ever plan on pursuing that. I love my boyfriend. He is literally the sweetest guy in the world even though he pisses me off a lot, but I won't get into that.

   

Your comments really brighten my day, and help me to stay strong. Much love ladies
xx

For Anafly

I can't believe I didn't mention my age at all! I'll post all my stats :)

age: 19
height: 5 feet 4 inches
HW: 125
LW: 104
CW: 113
GW1: 107 (the weight for my height that officially puts me in the "underweight" category)
GW2: 100
UGW: 95

I just want to be in the double digits...
please&thanks

xx
stay strong my lovlies

Fail.

I took this lammmeee picture after the VS Fashion Show to see if maybe I looked thinner in pictures than I perceive myself to be when I look in the mirror. Nope, I don't. I look fucking worse.

Excuse the duck-face... I literally never do that...

My Dinner

You Decide?