Goodnight Ladies

After I came home from math tonight - can I just please advise you to never take a 3 hour math class at night - my mom offered me some Indian food for dinner and I declined. She got upset saying how skinny I've been looking lately so just to get her off my back, I indulged in 1 egg white and 1 whole egg and scrambled them together, and had a piece of toast with it. So my dinner was basically like 200 calories, maybe a little more. 

All I want is to be skinny, beautiful, successful... I mean this is what everyone wants, but it's what I literally need to be happy. It kills me to know that I won't be fully happy until I reach my goal, and how much pain and self control it will take to get there. 

Deep dark secret #1: I have TERRIBLE trust issues. I always go through my boyfriend's browsing history on his computer because he promised me he wouldn't watch porn anymore, so I like to make sure he'snot, and I always see him looking at other girls on facebook, that are like totally skinny and tan and gorgeous, and it kills me inside. I know that as soon as I reach my goal, I will have so much more confidence and won't give a fuck. 

I would really like for once to just know I am perfect and not give a fuck about anyone else, because everyone wants to be me. 

Sorry for the depressing post. I just had to get some shit off my chest. 

Love you all.

xx

Oh and one more thing, 

every picture I put on my blog was taken by yours truly ;)

Kill Meh

Okay, I really fucked up big time.
Went out to lunch and looked at the menu. Stomach was growling. Everything smelled great. Mouth watering. And I ordered a fucking panini. I don't even know how many calories it was! I'm a pescetarian (I don't eat any meat besides fish), so I ordered the "Pear Naked" which is pear, fontina cheese, and caramelized onions in a panini. I didn't finish the whole thing, but I'm guessing since it was so utterly delicious, it was calorie packed. I'm going to go ahead and say 550 calories. It may have been less, but I'm still not eating for the rest of the day. Except maybe a pomegranate for dinner.
Kill
Meh
.

Currently, December 13th

Adoring: The warm heat radiating out of the vent next to me.


Craving: SEX...


Enjoying: My morning black coffee - per usual


Feeling: Like today will be much better than last


Hearing: The Black Swan soundtrack - Clint Mansell


Hoping: My grades will all be good at the end of this semester


Missing: My dad, sister, and cat, Templeton, who I barely ever see anymore because I live with my mom (my parents are newly divorced)


Reading: The Boston Globe


Seeing: My fat stomach...

Wearing: This flannel from Urban Outfitters, really warm Patagonia leggings, turquoise Hunter rain boots. It's a chilly day, man.

Wishing: I didn't skip my two classes this morning


Wondering: If I'll have the strength to stay under 500 calories today

The good, The bad, and The fat

     So, I had a mini binge last night. I'm not going to beat myself up for it too much because i'm pretty sure (hoping) I still ate under 1,000 calories for the day. But today I'm going to try my best to keep it under 500. I ate 2 egg whites for breakfast to get that metabolism going (17 calories each), and I'm going out to lunch with my mom in a couple hours. I'm just going to order a salad, because this little cafe has amazing salads, and I always feel so healthy after eating there.
     I weighed myself this morning and was like 114 or 113 - couldn't really tell. I hate scales that aren't digital and you can never tell which little line you're on, but it was under 115 so I was quite happy with that. I actually don't even have a scale at home, but I always check my weight when I'm at my boyfriend's house. My mom knows I used to have an ED but she thinks I'm totally recovered now (which I was for like a year), so she refuses to get a scale because she knows how weight conscious I am. It makes me so mad when she gives me shit about me losing weight though when she doesn't even weigh 100 lbs - given she's only 5 feet, but still... she's a personal trainer, and all she does is exercise.
     I can't wait for this semester to be OVER. One more week, and I don't have to do shit until late January, besides working and stuff. I just started my new job a week ago, and I'm hostessing and waitressing at a really nice restaurant in my city. My manager who is like 30-something and gorgeous is always hitting on me. I pretend to get annoyed by it but I really like it. But at the same time it still really bugs me because he knows I have a boyfriend, and his girlfriend (who looks like Chewbacca) literally works there. But like I said, flirting with an attractive older guy makes work go by really fast, not that I ever plan on pursuing that. I love my boyfriend. He is literally the sweetest guy in the world even though he pisses me off a lot, but I won't get into that.

   

Your comments really brighten my day, and help me to stay strong. Much love ladies
xx

For Anafly

I can't believe I didn't mention my age at all! I'll post all my stats :)

age: 19
height: 5 feet 4 inches
HW: 125
LW: 104
CW: 113
GW1: 107 (the weight for my height that officially puts me in the "underweight" category)
GW2: 100
UGW: 95

I just want to be in the double digits...
please&thanks

xx
stay strong my lovlies

Fail.

I took this lammmeee picture after the VS Fashion Show to see if maybe I looked thinner in pictures than I perceive myself to be when I look in the mirror. Nope, I don't. I look fucking worse.

Excuse the duck-face... I literally never do that...

My Dinner

You Decide?

December 12, 2011

Thank you to all of my new followers, and for all of your very sweet comments!! Forgive my absence over the weekend, it was a party filled one. Unfortunately, I don't factor alcohol into my calorie counting, but i NEVER drink beer. But since I haven't been eating a lot lately (not much more than 500 or 600 calories a day... which is still awful, but wayy better than the 2,000+ I've been consuming daily for the past year basically), it doesn't take a whole lot of alcohol to get me drunk.
Well, I've already around 300 calories today, but we'll round it up to 350 just to be safe - I'd rather be a little under than a little over, if that makes sense. I really don't want to eat anymore today. I don't know how to stay strong though unless I am avidly thinking about all the reasons I need to be thin, so I suppose that's what I should do.
I want this so bad.

Risky Business

I know it's weird to put pictures up on such a private type of blog, but I don't have much to fear. Here's who you are dealing with. 

I've done ballet my entire life, so my boyfriend (who is a photographer) jumped at the chance to take the photos in October. Excuse my chubbb !

And this is the two of us at a club event last week. Isn't he just the most handsome man in the world?!

Well, now you can put a face to the name. 

I always like blogs better when I know what people look like for some reason

xx

Currently, December 9th

Adoring: The 8 ft. tall Christmas tree my mom and I put up and decorated this week. It makes our little cottage on the lake into a Winter Wonderland

Craving: A grande Americano (black), from Starbucks

Enjoying: The tranquility I feel when I'm at home alone looking out at the lake, a cigarette in hand

Feeling: Motivated. Cheers to that

Hearing: Dustin O'Halloran - Opus 23

Hoping: This blog will bring me the kind of inspiration I need to get thin, and that it will do the same for you

Missing: My body senior year of high school when I actually kept up with the ABC Diet and got to 104 lbs

Reading: E.E. Cummings poems

Seeing: Christmas decorations and my freshly painted toenails

Wearing: Nothing ;)

Wishing: I WILL HAVE THE STRENGTH TO REACH MY GOALS

Wondering: How long it will take me to make this lifestyle change

The Beginning of the Rest of My Life

I'm one of those girls. I'm that girl that stays up late at night writer bigger and better plans for herself. I was born blessed with so much: a loving family, a well-off household, a pretty face, talents. It's just not enough though. At some point, I have just recently realized, you have to let go of your childish ways, and become a woman. By "childish ways", I suppose I'm referring to enjoying life just merely in the moment and not thinking of the consequences it will have on you.
I ate like 6 Oreos today among other things. So now, late at night, I sit here writing in my journal about how much I long to be the skinny girl I was two years ago when I fully commit myself to the ABC Diet for 50 days. It was the best I've ever looked, and to be honest, the best I ever felt too.
But once you reach that happy point, you become comfortable. Getting comfortable in any aspect of your life is the most dangerous thing of all. You don't feel as though you have to try anymore. Two years ago, I was 104 pounds and felt beautiful the way I always wanted to. I've gotten so comfortable i've gained 13 pounds since then.
I dream of a better tomorrow, where my sense will overpower my want for food like it did 2 years ago. I truly need support from my followers. My blog 2 years ago reached 90 followers, and it was because of them, that I was able to reach my goal. So I beg of you, please follow me and keep me motivated, and I will promise to do the same.